If Britney Spears Were Dessert, We'd All Be Morbidly Obese

Gluttons. Americans are notorious for their continual and unrelenting consumption of empty calories, and unwholesome and synthetic foods yielding little more than lethargy and bad gas. Enter Britney Spears. For years, we have watched this one-time teen icon grow from Mickey Mouse princess to a sultry pop queen, posing in magazines ranging from Glamour and the New Yorker to High Times and Cat Fancy (okay, not really.) Five years removed from her tantalizing open-mouthed kiss with Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards, Britney heard the collective groans of program watchers nationwide as she schlubbed her way through moves choreographed for toddlers at the Mommy and Me Dance Classes offered Friday afternoons at Gymboree. So what is it about Britney Spears that has made her fall from grace so ungraceful? The answer lies with you, the television viewer.

You were there when she asked you to hit her, baby, one more time. Sure, you shook your head and wondered how a sixteen year old girl could possibly be a role model to her peers, but secretly, you recorded the music video to add to your own collection. You couldn't get enough - we couldn't get enough. Britney was our breakfast and we were having the best morning ever.

She realized, however, that the same people who loved her for wearing that skimpy little school-girl outfit were the same people who were outgrowing the uniforms of their own: going to college, getting a job, etc. So, Britney altered her music slightly, and brought with it a lovesick feeling experienced by many college-aged females (and males). In one video, she even drowned herself in a bathtub to show how a lack of love has left her for dead. This borderline-artistic symbolism was not lost on many people, and Britney became even more loved and admired as she was "able to transcend the girl-pop genre" and become more than just another pretty face. Article touting weight-loss with "The Britney Spears Diet," websites with Britney fan-fiction stories, and magazines exposing every facet of her life to a hungry and ravenous public were soon commonplace. As Britney grew up, so did we; our breakfast became our lunch, and the afternoon wasn't looking so long after all.

Soon after her (obviously) public break-up with *NSYNC lead singer Justin Timberlake, Britney hit a downward spiral Trent Reznor could only hope to sing about: abusing Starbucks and cocaine on a regular basis, showing her va-jay-jay in a manner most unbecoming, and, perhaps worst of all, marrying, procreating with, and subsequently divorcing hip-hop megastar, wrestler, and disc jockey, Kevin Federline. "What is she thinking?" You'd ask yourself as you passed by yet another magazine stand excoriating Britney for her poor parenting skills. You'd claim to have better judgment than she, but ultimately it was you, not her, who paid $4.50 for sixteen pages of Britney in various scandals so you could place it on your treadmill and walk off the dinner consisting of Ms. Spears and her pitfalls. You'd call your cousin and discuss the reasons why Britney shaved her head; you'd talk to your parents about Britney going berzerk on the paparazzi. You'd even speak to your spouse or significant other about the "terrible life those kids are going to have." You'd be stumped, however, when asked why America was in Iraq, or what the name of the current Secretary of State is. Things are exactly as they should be.

We as consumers of popular culture see our beloved celebrities as expendable. We'll eat what they're serving and encourage them to give us more, even if we're completely full. It's the reason why channels like E! and Oxygen do so well. We force them to stay in the spotlight and show us their bajingoes so we can judge and admoish them for their poor habits and choices. Sure, celebrites chose to be in the spotlight, but thinking of them as chattel for our own personal entertainment is irresponsible and does little but make news out of the mundane. The government wants us to stay complacent and hopes that we watch every drop of Starbucks coffee that falls from Britney's lap as she's driving, because it means that our attention is diverted from the real issues: 9/11 truth, war, recessions, the environment... The more ignorant we are, the easier it is for intelligent views to be labeled as leftist or conspiratorial. My suggestion? Put down that second serving of Britney and pick up that first dose of relevance courtesy of your local newspaper, because in the grand scheme of things, the Spears clan will be but a remnant of an era past while the current events could shape generations to come. Which would you rather be a part of?